Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
