I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
