Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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