Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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