Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
