I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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