is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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