Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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