i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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