Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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