I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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