You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
