I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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