You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
