Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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