i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
