i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
