you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
