i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
