I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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