Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
