the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
