Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
