I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
