My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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