woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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