Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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