My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
