My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
