There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
