I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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