ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
