I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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