I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
