Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
