Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
