Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
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Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My bed smells like the plague
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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