The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
