why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
