yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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