dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
