Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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