one might say we're banned from that church
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
