im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
