Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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