I got chris browned last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
