The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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