A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
