So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
