Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
