Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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