I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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