I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had sex on a roof
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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