the condom got lost in my hair
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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