I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
