Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
