you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
