Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
