God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
