I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm like, not good at living.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
